{"id":8007,"date":"2017-05-01T06:00:32","date_gmt":"2017-05-01T10:00:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/ben-sternke-live.prev17.rmkr.net\/?p=8007"},"modified":"2025-03-07T18:54:59","modified_gmt":"2025-03-07T22:54:59","slug":"affinity-affection-community","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/gravitycommons.com\/es\/affinity-affection-community\/","title":{"rendered":"From Affinity to Affection: Building an Actual Community"},"content":{"rendered":"

I was talking with a first-time\u00a0church planter about how things were going. As we were talking about some of the difficulties he was facing,\u00a0he blurted out:<\/p>\n

I just don\u2019t like<\/em> the people who are coming to my church! I wouldn\u2019t choose to hang out with these people, and it\u2019s hard to create a community with people you wouldn’t normally hang out with!<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

He was stunned and a little embarrassed by\u00a0this realization. As it so often does, leadership had revealed an unspoken expectation he didn\u2019t even realize he had.<\/p>\n

On the surface it seems like an innocuous expectation: he expected he\u2019d be building a community with people he enjoyed hanging out with.<\/p>\n

But instead, leading a church brought him face to face with one of the hidden ways we are trained as consumers; we assume we ought to be able to hang out with people we like. We expect that we should be able to choose who and how we build \u201ccommunity\u201d with others.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

We all have affinity bias<\/h2>\n

Whether we\u2019re planting a church, leading a older church, getting to know our neighbors, or just parenting our kids, we all wrestle\u00a0with this.<\/p>\n

We all carry around a\u00a0built-in \u201caffinity bias.\u201d We are oriented\u00a0toward that which we like. It\u2019s normal and natural to gravitate toward people who are similar to us, people who enjoy the same kinds of experiences we do.<\/p>\n

But affinity bias\u00a0becomes a problem when we do it\u00a0unreflectively.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0Any tendency we have that we don\u2019t reflect on and ask questions about will end up running our lives.<\/p>\n

So while it\u2019s normal to\u00a0want\u00a0<\/em>to hang out with people we like, should we expect that this is what building a community will feel like as we lead?<\/b><\/p>\n

Are we really seeking to build a community that reflects the beautiful diversity of the Body of Christ, or are we treating \u201ccommunity\u201d as a commodity that we try to obtain at the\u00a0lowest relational price?<\/p>\n

Paul\u2019s affinity<\/del> affection for the churches<\/h2>\n

As I read through the Apostle Paul\u2019s interactions with the churches he planted, I think there are some lessons here for us. Specifically, I\u2019m struck by the exuberant, overflowing\u00a0affection<\/em> he expresses for the diverse, often troubled churches he planted.<\/strong><\/p>\n

    \n
  • \u201cGod can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus\u201d<\/strong><\/em> (Phil 1:8).<\/li>\n
  • \u201cWe were gentle with you. Just as a nursing mother cares for her children, so we cared for you. Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well\u201d<\/em><\/strong> (1 Thess 2:7-8).<\/li>\n
  • \u201cMy dear children<\/em><\/strong>, for whom I am again in the pains of childbirth until Christ is formed in you\u201d (Gal 4:19).<\/li>\n
  • \u201cWhen Paul had finished speaking, he knelt down with all of them and prayed. They all wept as they embraced him and kissed him.<\/strong><\/em> What grieved them most was his statement that they would never see his face again.\u201d (Acts 20:36-38).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    This breathtaking\u00a0affection co-exists with the massive problems Paul had to address in these churches. The affection\u00a0Paul expresses\u00a0is clearly something stronger and more robust than the mild feelings of enjoyment that come from spending time\u00a0with people you like.<\/p>\n

    Paul isn\u2019t expressing the easy \u201changing out\u201d of affinity<\/em>, he\u2019s expressing the hard-won affection<\/em> that only comes\u00a0from surrendering to the work of Spirit\u00a0in the body of Christ.<\/strong><\/p>\n

    From convenient\u00a0affinity to cultivated\u00a0affection<\/h2>\n

    It would seem that if we\u2019re going to build an actual community<\/em> among those we lead (rather than the idealized community\u00a0we carry around in our minds), we\u2019re going to have to shift from relying on a convenient affinity<\/strong> with one another to a cultivated affection<\/strong> for one another.<\/p>\n

    We have to move from what is\u00a0inherent and natural<\/em>\u00a0(affinity)<\/strong> to that which is intentional and\u00a0nurtured<\/em> (affection).<\/strong><\/p>\n

    Affinity<\/strong> takes your desires as they\u2019ve already been shaped, affirms them and makes you feel good about them when you spend time with other people who have the same ones!<\/p>\n

    Affection<\/strong> calls you to cultivate new<\/em> desires, to be with people you wouldn\u2019t normally want to be with, for the sake of the gospel. It takes intentional investment for it to grow.<\/p>\n

    This is a major feature of God\u2019s kingdom: he doesn\u2019t honor our pre-existing affinities as normative.<\/em> Instead he shatters them and calls us into love, naming our affinities for what they are: just preferences<\/em>.<\/p>\n

    For consumers, preference is the law. An unalienable right. For the Body of Christ, preference is just preference, which is fine as far is it goes, but eventually it goes on the altar along with everything else as we participate in God\u2019s kingdom.<\/strong><\/p>\n

    The beautiful thing is that, as we\u00a0burst the narrow, comfortable confines of affinity and begin exploring\u00a0the wide open (and often scary) world of learning affection for those who aren\u2019t like us, we grow! We actually learn to love as Jesus\u00a0loves.<\/strong><\/p>\n

    Learning\u00a0to feel affection<\/h2>\n

    The struggle is real, folks! As I\u2019ve led churches, missional communities, and my own family,\u00a0I never got to hand-pick my favorite people to be part of these groups\u00a0(despite my best efforts). I\u2019ve always been surprised by who joins and sticks and who doesn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

    And I\u2019ve come to see it as a sign of God\u2019s grace: if they\u2019re here, they have grace to be\u00a0part of our\u00a0community. And if they\u2019re part of our\u00a0community, it means there\u2019s grace for us to grow together in our love for one another, even if we\u2019d never hang out if affinity were the boss.<\/p>\n

    And you know what? Our affection for one another grows! We learn\u00a0to appreciate the\u00a0personality quirks that would have separated us if we had only been pursuing affinity. God\u2019s grace really does help us grow in our affection<\/em> for those who aren\u2019t like us.<\/p>\n

    Questions for reflection<\/h2>\n
      \n
    • Where do you notice your leadership responsibilities conflicting with your affinities? (i.e. Do you dislike someone on your team?)<\/li>\n
    • What do you tend to do in these kinds of situations? (i.e. Avoid them?)<\/li>\n
    • What one thing can you do this week to begin to cultivate affection in this situation?<\/li>\n<\/ul>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      It’s hard to lead people you don’t like, but unless we go beyond convenient affinity to a cultivated affection, we’ll never build a real community.<\/p>","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":30162,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"episode_type":"","audio_file":"","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","itunes_episode_number":"","itunes_title":"","itunes_season_number":"","itunes_episode_type":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8007","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lead-like-jesus"],"yoast_head":"\nFrom Affinity to Affection: Building an Actual Community<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"You can't build a church community based on affinity alone. 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