{"id":10527,"date":"2017-09-11T06:00:25","date_gmt":"2017-09-11T10:00:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/ben-sternke-live.prev17.rmkr.net\/?p=10527"},"modified":"2025-03-07T18:54:59","modified_gmt":"2025-03-07T22:54:59","slug":"treadmill-of-self-improvement","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/gravitycommons.com\/es\/treadmill-of-self-improvement\/","title":{"rendered":"How To Get Off the Treadmill of Self-Improvement"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>The other night I was talking to a couple (we&#8217;ll call them Jack and Jill) that felt stuck in some family\u00a0frustrations. I\u00a0began asking them some questions and we uncovered\u00a0longstanding patterns of relational codependency.<\/p>\n<p><!--more-->Jack and\u00a0Jill had convinced themselves that they needed to endure\u00a0relational dysfunction in order to keep a sense of peace in\u00a0their family. The beliefs sounded like this:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><em>I\u00a0need to absorb other people&#8217;s\u00a0anger to keep the peace. <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>I\u00a0can\u2019t say what hurts me because it will ruin relationships. <\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>If we got honest,\u00a0bad things will happen.<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>In addition to the ongoing stress of constantly bearing the weight of all the family drama, neither Jack nor Jill were sleeping much at night and were wondering how much longer they could continue. They felt totally stuck.<\/p>\n<h1>Shoulding on ourselves through self-improvement<\/h1>\n<p>Recognizing that there was tons of what we call &#8220;bad news&#8221; at work (those belief statements above), I tried to shift our focus toward God&#8217;s\u00a0activity in their midst by\u00a0asking a couple simple questions:<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>So what does God want you to know about this? How does God want to speak good news over your bad news? <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>They sat in silence looking at each other for a few moments. And then Jack answered\u2026\u00a0&#8220;We just need to do a better job loving and trust that God has a plan.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>Did you catch that? I asked what\u00a0<em>good news<\/em> God wanted to speak, and they responded with a self-improvement plan: <strong>&#8220;We just need to do a better job&#8230;&#8221;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>This is incredibly common. In my experience, when asked how God might want to speak into their lives, most people respond with some sort of self-improvement plan. These often sound &#8220;right,&#8221; and even &#8220;spiritual,&#8221; but in reality, they are the manifestation of people &#8220;shoulding&#8221; all over themselves.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>I should be more loving.<\/li>\n<li>I should be more patient.<\/li>\n<li>I shouldn\u2019t get so angry.<\/li>\n<li>I should be more content.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>These spiritual-sounding &#8220;<em>shoulds<\/em>&#8221; are what drive self-improvement plans. Spiritual <em>shoulds<\/em> are what compel us to make promises to\u00a0do better. The assumption is that if we could just get our act together and do a better job, things would be better.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/gravitycommons.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/self-improvement.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-10568\" src=\"https:\/\/gravitycommons.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/self-improvement.jpg\" alt=\"self-improvement\" width=\"1920\" height=\"1080\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<h1>What&#8217;s so bad about self-improvement?<\/h1>\n<p>Maybe you&#8217;re wondering: What\u2019s the problem with wanting to do better? <strong>The problem is that these kinds of self-improvement plans rooted in <em>shoulds<\/em>\u00a0lead to bondage, not freedom.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Responding to challenges in life with self-improvement plans simply does <em>not<\/em> produce spiritual growth\u2014it leads to frustration and exhaustion. Many people fully embrace salvation by grace through faith, but then go on living a life of sanctification by\u00a0&#8220;doing better.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>The problem is that when we respond to challenges or problems in our lives by identifying our own solutions and then working hard to implement them, we get caught up in a cycle of self-improvement bondage that looks like this:<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/gravitycommons.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/Dobettertryharder.png\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-10528\" src=\"https:\/\/gravitycommons.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/09\/Dobettertryharder.png\" alt=\"Do better try harder\" width=\"900\" height=\"675\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>We take our solution and<strong> try really hard<\/strong> to implement it. Eventually, this leads to <strong>fatigue<\/strong>. Over time exhaustion sets in and we <strong>quit<\/strong>. We give up\u2014that is, until we feel sufficiently <strong>guilty<\/strong> about the problem to re-up our efforts and try harder once again.<\/p>\n<p>Over time our guilt compounds as we keep failing. We end up not only exhausted, but spiritually disoriented.<\/p>\n<h1>The treadmill of self-improvement<\/h1>\n<p>Have you ever noticed that running on a treadmill is a solo activity? You\u2019ll never see two people sharing a treadmill at\u00a0the gym. Why? Because there\u2019s not enough room! (Plus, that would be a little weird.)<\/p>\n<p>In the same way, <strong>the reason the treadmill of self-improvement never works is because there\u2019s no room for God.<\/strong> <em>You<\/em> are doing all the work:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>You&#8217;re\u00a0diagnosing the\u00a0problem.<\/li>\n<li>You&#8217;re coming up with the solution.<\/li>\n<li>You&#8217;re implementing the solution.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>The treadmill of self-improvement leaves God out. And that&#8217;s why it doesn&#8217;t work and leaves us miserable.<\/p>\n<h1>How to get off the treadmill of self-improvement: hearing and responding<\/h1>\n<p>So, how do we get off the treadmill of self-improvement? The key is to pay attention\u00a0to God by <strong>hearing and responding.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>In John 10:27 Jesus says, <em>\u201cMy sheep hear my voice; I know them, and they follow me.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<p>The first act of discipleship involves hearing the voice of Jesus. We have to spend time actually listening to God and discerning what he is saying to us.<\/p>\n<p>But, know this: listening is impossible without humility. Humility is the precursor to listening. To listen, we must recognize that we don&#8217;t have all the answers\u00a0or all the solutions. There is something that we need to actually hear and the answer lies outside of ourselves.<\/p>\n<p>Listening requires the conviction that\u2026<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><em>I don\u2019t really know what\u2019s best in this situation.<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>I may not know what\u2019s really going on here.<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>I probably don\u2019t know the solution to this problem.<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>I don\u2019t have the resources to apply the solution by myself.<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>The treadmill of self-improvement runs on self-sufficiency, but living into rhythms of hearing and responding is fueled by Spirit-dependency. It\u2019s only as we reach the end of ourselves that we will begin to experience God\u2019s grace at work in fresh ways.<\/p>\n<p>It&#8217;s about hearing and responding, listening and\u00a0doing, attending and\u00a0acting\u2026<\/p>\n<p>This is what leads to true transformation because it\u2019s anchored in God\u2019s activity and our partnership in it, rather than our own efforts alone. Moreover, it\u2019s only as we encounter God\u2019s grace that the motivator of guilt can be replaced by the transforming power of love.<\/p>\n<h1>God is your advocate, not your accuser<\/h1>\n<p>So the solution for Jack and\u00a0Jill is <strong>not<\/strong>\u00a0to try really hard to love better and trust more. While this sounds spiritual, it\u2019s simply a self-improvement plan disguised in spiritual wording. The truth is when God speaks, he rarely leads out with things like<em> try harder, do better, love more, etc<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>When God speaks, he doesn&#8217;t pile on the guilt. He leads out with kindness and he proclaims good news.<\/p>\n<p><em> \u201cDo you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance, and patience, not realizing that God\u2019s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance\u201d<\/em> (Romans 2:4).<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s the kindness of the Lord that leads to repentance. Not fear. Not guilt. Not shame. If you are ever being motivated by the levers of fear, guilt, and shame, it\u2019s a good indicator it\u2019s not from God. You can safely set it aside.<\/p>\n<p>Fear, guilt, and\u00a0shame are the\u00a0are tools of the <em>accuser<\/em>. Satan is the one who accuses us before God day and night (Rev. 12:10).<strong> God is not your accuser. God is your advocate.<\/strong> God is with you and for you. And if God is for you, who can be against you (Rom. 8:31)?<\/p>\n<p>The truth is you won\u2019t be able to hear what God has to say to you until you believe that he is really as good as he says he is. Often times when people first start learning to hear from Jesus, it simply sounds way too good to actually believe it!<\/p>\n<h1>An exercise to get you started<\/h1>\n<p>Here\u2019s an exercise for you to get started in\u00a0getting\u00a0off the treadmill of self-improvement:<\/p>\n<h2>1. Identify a challenge or situation you are facing in your life right now.<\/h2>\n<p>Preferably this will be something you\u2019ve already been cycling around for some time (try harder, fatigue, quit, guilt, try harder, fatigue, quit, guilt). It\u00a0could be a relational tension, a parenting problem, an anger issue, etc.<\/p>\n<h2>2. Give the magnetic safety key a solid tug.<\/h2>\n<p>Most treadmills come with a magnetic safety key that you can attach to yourself. That way if you fall, the machine will shut off. In this step you want to not only yank the key, but throw it away. Resist the urge to fix yourself!<\/p>\n<h2>3.\u00a0Create space to invite God to speak into your life.<\/h2>\n<p>Remember, God is your advocate. He is not against you. He is for you. If you feel fear, guilt, or shame, stop and listen some more. The enemy is ridiculously good at sounding spiritual. Trust that God is as good as he says he is.<\/p>\n<h2>4.\u00a0Do something based on how you heard God speak.<\/h2>\n<p>If you are a &#8220;fixer,&#8221; this should be your favorite part\u2014because now you get to do something. But notice that you are not doing something on your own to solve your problem. Rather, you are doing something in response to God and surrendering the outcome to him!<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Self-improvement plans are often our first go-to when we&#8217;re facing challenges in life, but they don&#8217;t work and leave us miserable. There&#8217;s a better way.<\/p>","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":30152,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"episode_type":"","audio_file":"","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","itunes_episode_number":"","itunes_title":"","itunes_season_number":"","itunes_episode_type":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-10527","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lead-like-jesus"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>How To Get Off the Treadmill of Self-Improvement<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Self-improvement plans are often our first go-to when we&#039;re facing challenges in life, but they don&#039;t work and leave us miserable. 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